um, really? your serious?

Hmmm...

Ok. I need to set some things straight.

I have talked about or skirted around a current issue I am dealing with. In some ways I feel that our "christian" society has made me feel guilty for hurting or being sad over this issue.

The issue is fertility. We have tried for 14 months for a baby and it does not get easier.

When approaching this issue I have gotten alot of advice:
"Trust God"
"It all happens in his timing"
"He will heal you"
And these are all great! And I am not trying to dismiss them but I am tired of people saying this to me when,
"I DO trust God!"
"I know it will happen in the right time!"
"He can/will heal me!"

Women all over the world and our country deal with fertility issues. And its always dismissed as that we need to get over our pain and trust God's timing.

Unless you have been through this or had a CLOSE friend that has, its not something you could easily understand.

I believe that God has given dr.'s wisdom. So I will not have people look down on me because I am going to a fertility specialist. I will not be made to feel like my Relationship with God isn't what it should be b/c I am seeking medical help. I have prayed and I have felt peace we are going in the right direction.

To have people say that its a drastic measure and to just wait and be patient is not right. What about the millions of children who have been born through help with a dr,acupuncture, nutritionist or whatever!?!

It is a very real and deep pain. And NO, I am not complaining about this or whining but I am just saying it is REAL!

The end of last year I was having a really rough time. The first REAL time I had dealt with depression. God really cleared the fog for me and I have been able to rely on Him through this.

This is just something I am dealing with.
I am not Angry with God
I trust Him
I love Him

But it continues to be something that is hard.

Because I have pain does not make me any less in love with Him. It makes me want Him more...


So BIG SIGH!!!!

Seriously???

There is so much I could say but I can't

Really frustrated! It seems like the things I want I have to really struggle for.

This is totally un-related to foster care. Thats going great.

Just a certain area in my life right now is beyond tough. Its emotionally draining and I am hurting, my heart is hurting....

waiting

20/20 had a special on poor kids in America last night. It was truly heartbreaking. After it ended Eric and I just sat there. It seems we get lost in having revival with our church kids and building up little warriors. And just around the corner there are kids that don't even know what breakfast, lunch and dinner are. I am not saying revival is bad but I am saying that revival can have a variety of faces. I think revival can look like a city, like Camden, revitalizing itself. It can look like suburban America taking a break from bake sales and soccer practice to spend some time mentoring kids in a poor community.

We are doing what we can. Being Foster parents now we feel that we are actually contributing not only to the community but to the lives of children. Its not enough. We need to do more!

Eric and I still reside below the "poverty level". Which is quite humorous. Sure we have financial struggles sometimes but we are in no way poor.

Hopefully there will be changes in our country and more willingness to do something, big or small, to help out our neighbors.

hmmm

Its been interesting living in Redding!
Just how far we have come and where we are now.

I know that after 5 years, I had found our group. LOL. The thursday night group. Or the office home group. haha.

Thursdays have been some of the best nights I have had in Redding. Laughing and talking until 3 in the morning.
But Daniel had to stinkin' leave and abandon the group. So sad. So tomorrow we will be weeping while watching the office. Ok, probably not but it won't be the same. Won't be bad, just won't be the same...

the start

Well, here is the start!
January 2007!
I knew God had changes in store for us. We just got liscensed as foster parents and after a year of trying for a baby, well lets just say January was welcomed with open arms.
I was ready for a change, ready for God to use me. Ready to feel like I had purpose. Ready to make a difference. I was ready for whatever God had for me.
Last week tuesday 16th. I got the flu, like I have never had it before! Slept all day Wed. managed to feel somewhat better thursday when we got a call.
"We have a baby, 2 months old. Can you come get him in 30 min."
"YES!"
So, baby S came to us thursday the 18th and the following day eric and grace came down with the flu. LOL, oh the irony.
And today is Wed. and the flu is just out the door. And baby has been great!!
I have been great despite every 3hr feedings. And I love sleep but somehow its been easy!
Now, the baby has been easy. Grace on the other hand, my wonderful drama queen of a daughter haha, thats a whole other story! Yesterday, she had a SLIGHT Cough but she has this gag reflex thing so coughing often leads to throwing up! So I am picking up baby from visit and Grace is coughing and gagging and AHHHHHH. That morning she had thrown up all over. I just started to cry. I had no one to call no one to say can you come stay with Grace while I take baby to visit. Eric was working, and I had no one to call. That wasn't a good feeling, not having someone to call.
Where this post is going, I don't know.
But I do know that today, Grace is *almost* back to normal and I was driving and just had this sense of Happiness! Like, I am being used by GOD! Talking to baby S's mom and just showing love to her and loving this baby has been more fulfilling. And yes, its a very demanding thing and emotionally probably draining to some but for me its filled me. Filled me with purpose filled me with something I haven't felt in a while.
I don't know where God is taking me but I know He is using me and thats a good feeling.
So I start my journey.